Ecumenical Matters
Saint Príomhsheans Chapel
Saint Príomhsheans Chapel
Saint Príomhsheans Chapel
The Reverend Father Sebastian O’Rea, BTh, MTh, (Defrocked Episcopalian, Unfrocked Catholic)
Fr Sebastian O’Rea is what theologians call an ecumenical accident and what Giles calls “a one-man Reformation and Counter-Reformation in permanent marital embrace.” Formerly of the Anglican persuasion (High enough to need oxygen), he crossed the Tiber sideways—on a punt—and was promptly ordained a Catholic priest under that rarely-invoked clause permitting already-married clergy. His wife, the indomitable Rev. Cassandra O’Rea, is simultaneously the Church of Ireland’s priest-in-charge across the road, giving Ballymagaleen the unique distinction of possessing a rectory and a presbytery with shared laundry.
A graduate of Trinity College Dublin (BTh in Theology and Philosophy — minor in Crisis of Faith) and St Patrick’s College, Maynooth (MTh in Pastoral Survival Tactics), Fr Sebastian also holds certificates in Pastoral Counselling, Boiler Maintenance, and the Charismatic Handling of Electrical Faults. His doctoral thesis, “Incense and Nonsense: A Comparative Study of Liturgical Smoke,” remains unpublished, mercifully.
Giles claims he was once refused Confession by Fr Sebastian “on the grounds that my sins exceeded the diocesan insurance policy.” Nevertheless, the two share a grudging respect; Giles admits that “he pours a mean Benedictine and can quote Aquinas in the original Latin, provided one doesn’t interrupt him with facts.”
Parish Schedule of Liturgical Adventures — St Príomhsheans Catholic Church, Ballymagaleen
Sunday Masses
- Vigil (for the impatient): Saturday 18:00
- Main Mass: Sunday 11:00 — sermon length inversely proportional to the congregation’s hangovers
- Early Mass: 9:00 — mostly elderly widows, penitents, and Giles after a night at Dooley’s
Weekday Masses
- Monday to Friday 10:00 — except Wednesday, when Fr Sebastian experiments with Gregorian jazz
- Wednesday 19:00 — Novena to Our Lady of Perpetual Disappointment
Confession (Box Office Hours)
- Saturdays 11:00–12:00 & 17:00–17:45
- First Fridays after Mass — penitents offered complimentary absolution with optional guilt surcharge
- By appointment, though Fr Sebastian prefers surprise confessions “to keep me spiritually agile.”
Benediction and Adoration
- Fridays 10:30–12:30 — Benediction at 12:20 prompt (organ tuned to B-flat and Holy Terror)
- First Sunday of Month 16:30 — Eucharistic Benediction and Tea Dance for the Spiritually Weary
Rosary & Devotions
- Daily 09:30 — led by the Legion of Mary and the Legion of the Lost
- October & May — Special Outdoor Rosary at St Pierian’s Holy Well (weather, and licensing laws, permitting)
Lenten Events
- Fridays 19:30 — Stations of the Cross accompanied by the Ballymagaleen String Quartet and sighs of the damned
Baptisms, Weddings & Funerals
- Second and fourth Sundays by arrangement. A brief preparation class entitled So You Think You Can Catholic is compulsory.
Anointing of the Sick & Infirm
- First Friday rounds of parish homes and nursing facilities, with Fr Sebastian travelling on his ancient Honda C90 in defiance of both gravity and canon law.
Pilgrimage to St Pierian’s Holy Well
- Last Sunday in May 15:00 — blessing of water, dogs, and occasional atheists. Followed by potluck and minor miracles.
Visitors are reminded that all services are conducted in accordance with the Liturgical Norms of the Diocese of Knocknagobshite and that late arrivals will be sat in the front pew by Mrs O’Leany as penance.
Confessions may be heard in confidence but never believed in entirety.
The church boiler is currently in a state of grace, thanks to the novena of spanners and prayers offered by Fr Sebastian last Lent.
Saint Príomhsheans Church
Saint Príomhsheans Chapel
Saint Príomhsheans Chapel
The Reverend Cassandra O’Rea, BA, MDiv, (Church of Ireland, by Marriage and Miracle)
If her husband is an ecumenical accident, the Reverend Cassandra O’Rea is the divine punchline. Formerly a curate in Bray (“where all theology is coastal”), she ascended to the rectorship of St Príomhsheans Church of Ireland, Ballymagaleen, on the understanding that nobody else wanted it. A woman of formidable intellect and equally formidable millinery, she is known throughout the diocese as “the Bride of Christ with her own spouse.”
Educated at Queen’s University Belfast (BA, English & Theology) and the Church of Ireland Theological Institute (MDiv, with a distinction in Patience under Duress), she also completed a sabbatical in Canterbury “to see what all the fuss was about.” Her thesis, “Between Rome and a Hard Place: Negotiating Mixed Marriage in Ministry,” was banned in two seminaries for reasons of decency and truth.
Her sermons are the talk of Ballymagaleen—mostly because they are delivered without notes, microphone, or apparent mercy. Giles observes that “she has the voice of a prophet and the aim of a sniper.” She presides with calm authority over a congregation composed largely of respectable pensioners, errant Catholics “on reconnaissance,” and her husband, who sits in the back pew “to monitor her theology.”
Order of Services — St Príomhsheans Church of Ireland, Ballymagaleen
Sunday Services
- 08:30 — Said Eucharist (Traditional Rite)
For those who like their religion strong, black, and before breakfast.
- 11:00 — Sung Eucharist (Modern Rite)
Choir of eight voices (ten, if you count the disagreements). Giles occasionally reads the Lesson in the original Latin, uninvited.
- 18:00 — Evensong & Sermonette
A meditative service followed by tea, biscuits, and light gossip about the Catholics.
Wednesday Communion
- 10:00 — Quiet midweek service (for the spiritually hungover and the socially cautious). Followed by percolated coffee of near-papal quality.
Morning & Evening Prayer
- Daily, 08:00 and 18:00, led alternately by Rev. Cassandra and whichever curate hasn’t fled.
Choir Practice
- Thursdays, 19:00 – 20:30. Earplugs optional, gin mandatory.
Parish Bible Study & Mutual Interrogation
- Tuesdays, 19:30 in the vestry. Participants encouraged to bring Scripture, scepticism, and snacks.
Holy Days & Festivals
- As announced on the Ballymagaleen Herald of Salvation (pinned to the noticeboard, occasionally upside down).
- Joint services with the Catholic parish at major feasts, during which Fr Sebastian censes the altar while Rev. Cassandra mutters “Show-off.”
Baptisms, Weddings & Funerals
- By prior appointment and adequate notice. The Reverend reserves the right to refuse weddings where either party describes themselves as “spiritual but not religious.”
- Baptisms are performed with Anglican restraint, unless the infant squirms—then it’s full immersion.
Pastoral Care
- Visits by arrangement or ambush. Hospital calls shared with Fr Sebastian to avoid “duplication of salvation.”
Youth Fellowship
- Sundays at 17:00 in the church hall, overseen by Mrs Dooley from the pub to maintain discipline and provide sandwiches of legendary restorative power.
Men’s Fellowship & Women’s Guild
- Both meet monthly to discuss entirely different topics in the same room, at the same time.
Visitors of all denominations are welcome, provided they have the good manners to stand when others stand and sit when they don’t.
The parish boiler (Anglican model) runs on decaf tea, hope, and selective quotations from Cranmer.
In case of doctrinal emergency, please remain calm and blame the Methodists.
Saint Príomhsheans
The Life and Miracles of Saint Príomhsheans of Ballymagaleen
Patron Saint of Fools, Amadáns, Gobshites, Spurned Lovers, and Aspiring Bards
I. The Arrival of Saint Príomhsheans in Ballymagaleen
According to the Annals of the Utterly Unlikely, Saint Príomhsheans was among the lesser-known disciples of Saint Patrick—one of that ragged band who followed in the saint’s wake to explain the more complicated parts of the Trinity to slower minds. His given name, Príomhsheans mac Gubbán, translates roughly as “Chief, or Main, Chance,” which the learned interpret as he who blundered successfully.
He arrived in Ballymagaleen sometime in the late 5th century, carried downstream on a coracle woven from withies, seaweed, and misplaced enthusiasm. Local legend insists he mistook the Ballymagaleen peninsula for the Holy Land on account of its miraculously poor weather and immediate hostility. The pagans of the district, a tribe known as the Ui Magadhlín, worshipped a triune deity of Drink, Gossip, and Vengeance. They were in need of spiritual reform, or at least a decent excuse for their hangovers.
II. His Early Ministry and Conversion of the Ui Magadhlín
Príomhsheans began his ministry by preaching to the cattle, as they were both more attentive and less argumentative than the people. When asked by the tribal chieftain to prove the superiority of his God, the saint famously struck a rock with his staff and produced a spring—not of water, but of moderately potable poitín. This was the first of his miracles, though it led to a week-long festival of debauchery and several unplanned marriages.
Undeterred, he gathered the tribe for a public demonstration of faith. Standing before the sacred hazel tree at Sleevecaccbow, he lifted a chalice and proclaimed:
“In this cup is wisdom, which when drunk deeply enough will cure ignorance.”
Most of the Ui Magadhlín took this literally, and thus the cult of St Pierian’s Holy Well was born—a spring which to this day is said to cure stupidity if consumed in heroic quantity (a claim never yet verified).
The tribe converted en masse when Príomhsheans promised that Christianity came with its own feast days, alcohol, and tax exemptions. Thus Ballymagaleen became one of the earliest Christian enclaves west of Clonmacnoise, and certainly the most hungover.
III. The Miracles of Idiocy
1. The Healing of the Foolish Poet
A young bard, blinded by jealousy and poteen, begged the saint for sight and sense. Príomhsheans spat in the man’s eyes, a common early-Christian ophthalmic procedure, and declared, “Behold! You shall see clearly the folly of your verse.” The bard immediately recovered his vision, burned his poems, and lived happily ever after as a fisherman. This miracle is commemorated annually at Dooley’s Pub, where poets are still encouraged to repent publicly.
2. The Resurrection of the Dead Drunk
When a local man named Seán Ó Clár fainted after attempting to match the saint’s ascetic fasting (which lasted roughly until lunchtime), the crowd mistook him for dead. Príomhsheans dipped his staff in holy water and sprinkled it thrice over Seán’s head. The man leapt up, shouting, “I’ll never drink again!” and promptly fainted once more. This was declared a miracle of moral intention rather than result.
3. The Conversion of the Idiot Herds
A herd of particularly obstinate donkeys refused to kneel during Mass. The saint, affronted, blessed their fodder with the Sign of the Cross. The animals immediately genuflected and brayed “Amen.” Ever since, Ballymagaleen has maintained a pious respect for livestock and a mild suspicion of liturgical braying.
4. The Multiplication of Toasted Sandwiches
During a famine, the saint entered a tavern and found the people starving, save for one loaf and a scrap of cheese. Laying his hands upon the bar, he declared, “Let all hunger be melted between two slices.” The miracle produced a tray of hot toasted sandwiches sufficient for the multitude. To this day, the sandwiches of Dooley’s are said to possess faintly sacramental properties, though they cost extra after midnight.
IV. The Decline, Death, and Dubious Relics
Príomhsheans died as he lived—unexpectedly and with a drink in hand—while blessing a barrel that fell upon him. His remains were interred near the old Carmelite priory at Ballymagaleen, though over the centuries various parts of him have reappeared in reliquaries across Ireland: a jawbone in Kildare, a sandal in Mayo, and a suspiciously ordinary shinbone in Tullamore.
During the Viking incursions, his shrine was looted, but legend claims the Norsemen, afflicted by holy confusion, began worshipping him as “Priam-svens,” the God of Idiots, thereby spreading his cult inadvertently to Scandinavia.
V. The Legacy and Cult of Saint Príomhsheans
To this day, both churches in Ballymagaleen—Catholic and Church of Ireland—are dedicated to him, owing to an ancient clerical error involving diocesan paperwork and an ecumenical drinking session. His feast day, 17 March, inconveniently coincides with that of Saint Patrick, leading locals to observe St Príomhsheans’ Second Pint Day on 18 March instead.
Pilgrims to Ballymagaleen visit St Pierian’s Well, where they may drink deeply (or too deeply) in the hope of enlightenment. The village motto, “Ex Stultitia, Sapientia”—From Idiocy, Wisdom—derives from his final recorded saying:
“Blessed are the fools, for they shall make the wise look ridiculous.”
VI. The Modern Cult and Annual Fair of Eejits
Each August, Ballymagaleen revives the saint’s spirit with the Fair of Eejits, where the most foolish Gael is crowned Ard-Amadán na nGael (“High Fool of the Gaels”) and awarded a hogshead of poitín to drink himself senseless for the year—thus preserving the nation from further harm.
Giles na Magaleen, hereditary patron of the event, delivers a commemorative oration, beginning invariably with:
“My friends, let us drink to the holy idiocy that keeps Ireland safe from wisdom!”
And so, under the watchful eyes of Saint Príomhsheans, Ballymagaleen continues to be a beacon of sanctified foolishness—a place where miracles are frequent, faith is flexible, and ignorance, at last, has found its patron.
The Holy Well of Saint Pierian
Being an Account of its Origin, Waters, and Fishy Theology as preserved in the Codex Magadhlinensis
I. On the Origins of Saint Pierian
Saint Pierian (also rendered Piarian, Pirrín, or in the Latin, Pierinus Obscurus) was the favoured disciple and cupbearer of Saint Príomhsheans—whom he followed faithfully, if not intelligently, throughout his missionary wanderings. A man of delicate intellect and frequent bewilderment, Pierian is described in the Annals of the Improbable Saints as “a youth of great piety, limited comprehension, and an almost supernatural aptitude for doing the wrong thing with conviction.”
He hailed, it is said, from a distant monastery in the west of Connacht, where his duties included stirring the porridge, misplacing relics, and standing guard against the Danes (a task rendered easier by not knowing what they looked like). When St Príomhsheans arrived to preach in Ballymagaleen, Pierian followed—carrying his master’s crozier, the luggage, and occasionally, the blame.
II. The Discovery of the Well
The story begins during the saint’s mission to the Ui Magadhlín, who were then wavering between Christianity and whatever could be drunk before Mass. Príomhsheans had established his cell at the foot of Sleevecaccbow, and Pierian was tasked with fetching water for the brewing of “monastic soup”—a concoction so thin it was considered a form of fasting.
As he dug near an ancient hazel tree, his spade struck stone, and a clear spring gushed forth. Thinking it a sign, Pierian ran to tell his master but tripped on a root and fell face-first into the bubbling pool. Upon extricating him, Príomhsheans remarked, “Behold, a well of wisdom, and thou its first fool.” Thus the well was consecrated and named for its finder: Tobar Naomh Pierian, the Well of Saint Pierian.
III. The Hazel Tree of Half-Knowledge
The hazel that shaded the well was said to have grown from a seed dropped by one of the Tuatha Dé Danann during their retreat from sense and reason. Its nuts were believed to contain fragments of divine knowledge—unfortunately, not entire truths but partial, contradictory insights. One who ate a single nut might understand eternity, but forget his own name. Two nuts gave fluency in tongues, but only in Swahili during Lent.
Príomhsheans forbade the consumption of these nuts except by those “strong in faith and weak in intellect”—Pierian thus being uniquely qualified. Each autumn he collected the nuts and offered them to the fishes, claiming that “wisdom is wasted on man, but the trout has an honest face.”
IV. The Trout of Doubt
One trout, a pale and speckled creature of prodigious girth, began to feed exclusively on the fallen hazelnuts. Over time, it grew immense, luminous, and disturbingly articulate. It became known as Bradan an Amhrais—the Trout of Doubt.
Pilgrims soon noticed that when gazing into the well, the fish would surface, fix them with an unsettling stare, and seem to pose unanswerable questions. To one pilgrim it said (or appeared to say):
“If God made man in His image, why does man return the insult?”
To another:
“If faith can move mountains, can doubt at least rearrange the furniture?”
Several fainted on the spot; one attempted to exorcise the fish, only to be bitten on the ankle.
Giles na Magaleen, citing a medieval marginal note, records that “the Trout of Doubt never contradicted Scripture, but it did raise supplementary queries.” The clergy of Ballymagaleen have since forbidden theological debate at the well after dark.
V. The Pilgrimages and Miracles
Through the centuries, pilgrims came to St Pierian’s Well to drink of its waters and, by so doing, to rid themselves of idiocy, ignorance, or at least dehydration. Some achieved enlightenment; others merely hiccuped in Latin. The devout still scoop the water with silver cups, muttering:
“Out of folly, understanding; out of doubt, a decent excuse.”
Among the recorded miracles:
- The Cure of the Scholar Who Knew Too Much – A learned monk from Clonmacnoise, afflicted with excessive certitude, drank from the well and promptly forgot the entire Bible. He retired contented.
- The Conversion of the Skeptic Goat – A herder’s goat, notorious for butting pilgrims, drank from the stream and immediately knelt. It was canonised locally as St Kiko the Confused.
- The Woman of Endless Questions – A widow who plagued every cleric in Munster with theological queries drank deeply of the water and fell silent. She now runs the parish library.
VI. The Schism of the Two Wells
In later centuries, theological contention arose between the Catholic and Protestant custodians of the well. The Catholics held that the water conferred wisdom by grace; the Anglicans insisted it did so through proper filtration. When a new spring appeared five yards away during a particularly wet year, both sides claimed it. Thus the peninsula gained the rare distinction of having St Pierian’s Well (Catholic) and St Pierian’s Other Well (Church of Ireland)—both equally miraculous, though the Protestant version is better signposted and has parking.
During joint services, Fr Sebastian O’Rea blesses the waters while his wife, Rev. Cassandra, reads from the Book of Common Drenching. The Trout of Doubt, offended by ecumenism, now appears only to poets and tax inspectors.
VII. The Modern Cult and Annual Rituals
Each midsummer, the people of Ballymagaleen gather at twilight to celebrate the Vigil of Saint Pierian. The ceremony involves:
- Procession to the well led by a mixed choir of both denominations;
- Blessing of the hazel nuts, followed by cautious tossing into the water;
- Recitation of the Litany of the Improbably Enlightened;
- The ceremonial drinking of poitín diluted to sacramental weakness;
- And finally, Giles na Magaleen’s address, traditionally beginning:
“Dearly befuddled, we are gathered here to honour the Trout who doubted so that we might believe.”
The festival concludes with the Rite of Reflection, in which pilgrims stare into the well until they either glimpse the fish or their own foolishness—whichever surfaces first.
VIII. Moral and Motto
Thus stands Tobar Naomh Pierian, ever bubbling at the foot of the hazel tree of Half-Knowledge. Scholars, sinners, and tourists alike come seeking certainty and leave with perspective.
Above the stone surround, chiselled by Giles’s ancestor in the 17th century, runs the saint’s motto:
“Ex Dubio Lux—Out of Doubt, Light.”
Yet the local rendering, truer to the spirit of the place, remains:
“Out of Doubt, Pints.”
And to this day, when the wind turns westerly and the pubs are closing, one may still hear a faint splash and a questioning burble from the holy waters—
the Trout of Doubt, murmuring softly, “Are you quite sure?”