THE TOPOLOGICAL AND NATURAL HISTORY OF BALLYMAGALEEN

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Ballymagaleen lies upon a rugged peninsula thrust three kilometres into the Atlantic Ocean,

joined to the mainland by a narrow and capricious isthmus known as An Muineal (‘the

neck’). When storms rise, the neck vanishes and the village resumes its ancient dignity as

an island of isolation.

The terrain climbs from salt-blasted coves to the eminence of Sleevecaccbow, atop which

perches Cashelmagaleen, residence of Lord Giles. The soil is a mixture of peat, irony, and

divine indifference.

Hydrography: A single stream, An tSruthán Naofa Phierain, flows from Sleevecaccbow

to the Holy Well of St Pierian, whose waters cure idiocy and enhance whiskey.

Flora and Fauna: Barley (for poitín), potatoes (for more poitín), and hemp (both industrial

and illegal) dominate the flora. Fauna include pointers, poets, cormorants, foxes, and the

odd bureaucrat washed ashore from Dublin.

Climate: Best described as amphibious. Locals divide weather into two categories: ‘good

drying’ and ‘good drinking.’

Economy: Supported by smuggling, hemp cultivation, theological disputation, and a robust

poitín trade. Money circulates chiefly in favours, liquor, and small brown envelopes.

Festivals:

1. The Fair of Eejits – Election of the High Fool of the Gaels, rewarded with a hogshead

of poitín.

2. The Blessing of the Well – Conducted jointly by both clergy, ending in joint inebriation.

3. Harvest of the Herb – Midnight rite celebrating Dr Roache’s horticultural miracles.

4. The Reenactment of the Shipwreck of St Brendan’s Cousin – Cancelled annually due

to weather and reason.

Character of the People: Hospitable, contrary, and impervious to despair. They believe in

saints, music, and the moral necessity of whiskey.