The Hemp Co-Op
The Hemp Co-operative of Ballymagaleen
The Hemp Cooperative (THC) of Ballymagaleen
A Prospectus for Ethical Agriculture, Economic Resurrection, and Mild Euphoria
by Authority of Dr Constance Roache, D.Bot., F.T.H.C.,
and Mr Dermot Roache, FCA (Penitential).
1. Mission Statement
To re-green the blighted fields of Ireland with a crop both ancient and mercifully self-fertilising;
to demonstrate that sustainable development need not exclude pleasure;
and to construct, upon the sturdy stalk of Cannabis hibernica var. ballymagaleenensis Roach.,
a local economy of hempcrete, hemplight, and heavenly calm.
“From each seed according to its potency;
to each parish according to its need.”
2. Corporate Origins
Founded in 2021 by Dr Constance Roache, botanist, chemist, and rehabilitated horticultural sinner,
and her husband Dermot Roache, accountant, aesthete, and alumnus of Clongowes Wood College.
The Cooperative’s registered offices occupy the repurposed creamery at Ballymagaleen Harbour,
adorned with solar panels, Byzantine bureaucracy, and a faint aroma of sanctity.
The enterprise operates under licence from the Department of Agriculture
for the cultivation of Cannabis sativa L. (industrial hemp)
for fibre, feed, and the gentle edification of the populace.
3. The Ballymagaleen Strain
Taxonomy (as per Giles na Magaleen, F.I.I.A., Exp.):
Cannabis hibernica var. ballymagaleenensis Roach.
subsp. pierianii (Magaleen ex Giles) comb. nov.
Characteristics:
- Hardy in damp Atlantic conditions.
- Resistant to mould, mildew, and moral panic.
- Provides high-quality fibre for hempcrete and rope manufacture.
- Yields nutritive seed rich in Omega-3, and occasionally in insight.
- Offers forage for livestock, wild deer, and contemplative humans.
Field trials suggest that exposure to the Ballymagaleen strain improves the temper of goats
and reduces clerical interference in local affairs by 47 per cent.
4. Product Lines
Industrial Hemp Hempcrete blocks, insulation panels, rope, and cloth Produced under the “Stone of Sconecrete™” label.
Agri-Feed Supplements Hempseed meal for livestock Enhances cud-contentment and shine.
Culinary & Cosmetic Oils Cold-pressed seed oil Marketed as Saint Pierian’s Elixir.
Wellness & Leisure Dried inflorescences (licensed) Available to researchers, poets, and certain medical practitioners.
Future Expansion Hempcrete factory (pending EU co-funding) Anticipated to employ 30 souls and one spirit of enterprise.
5. Governance & Structure
- Chairwoman: Dr Constance Roache, D.Bot.
- Chief Financial Officer: Mr Dermot Roache, FCA.
- Honorary Patron: Lord Giles na Magaleen, F.I.I.A. (Expelled).
- Legal Advisors: Sosueme, Gofuku & Partners (Tokyo / Tel Aviv / Tipperary).
Each member of THC holds one share, one vote, and one mild buzz of civic pride.
Dividends are payable in Euros, MagadhCoin or edible form.
6. Environmental & Social Impact
THC pledges carbon neutrality by 2027 or the next miracle, whichever occurs first.
Hemp cultivation restores topsoil, sequesters carbon, and disguises small sins from the air.
Profits fund the Ballymagaleen Community Benefit Scheme, supporting:
- Saint Príomhsheans’ School for All Abilities and None (new roof, fewer leaks).
- Dooley’s Pub Music Bursary for Disoriented Poets.
- The Pierian Well Preservation Trust.
7. Financial Summary (abridged)
Item Estimate (€) Comment
EU Start-Up Grant Application 3,500,000 “Under consideration since 2022”
Private Subscription Round A 420,000 Symbolically appropriate
Projected Annual Turnover 1,100,000 Assuming divine weather
Community Reinvestment Fund 10 % of net Calculated before confession
Audited by Roache & Associates, who certify that all accounts are solvent, and some even saintly.
8. Investment Invitation
Potential members and investors are invited to subscribe to the second issue of Cooperative Units (“Green Notes”).
Minimum subscription: one hectare or its pecuniary equivalent.
Prospective partners are reminded that all ventures in Ballymagaleen are subject to Acts of God, Acts of Gombeeni, and the occasional Act of Contrition.
9. Contact & Correspondence
The Hemp Cooperative (THC)
Old Creamery Road, Ballymagaleen Peninsula,
County Somewhere on the Edge, Ireland.
Email: info@thc-ballymagaleen.ie
Telegram: @GilesIsInTheField
All complaints to be addressed to the Department of Agriculture, Brussels, or to God.
Epigraph
“Blessed be the leaf that shelters both the sinner and the saint,
and doubly blessed the accountant who can cost it.”
— Giles na Magaleen, Proceedings of the Imperial Irish Academy, Suppressed Series.
Cannabis
The Hemp Cooperative (THC) of Ballymagaleen — Frequently Asked Questions
Q1. What exactly does The Hemp Cooperative (THC) do?
We cultivate and process Cannabis hibernica var. ballymagaleenensis Roach. — a legally sanctioned, spiritually uplifting strain of industrial hemp.
Our mission is to promote sustainable industry, renewable building materials, and mild philosophical insight across the Ballymagaleen peninsula.
Q2. Is this the same kind of cannabis that makes people... contemplative?
Officially: no.
Unofficially: the Ballymagaleen strain is a plant of deep moral complexity. It nourishes livestock, stabilises soil, and occasionally encourages poetry.
Giles calls it “the thinking man’s silage.”
Q3. What is “hempcrete,” and does it burn?
Hempcrete is a bio-composite building material made from hemp shiv and lime.
It is fire-resistant, carbon-negative, and, according to Dr Roache, “nearly as indestructible as rural bureaucracy.”
Any building made of hempcrete smells faintly of forgiveness.
Q4. Who runs THC?
- Dr Constance Roache, D.Bot. (Dub.) — Botanist, founder, and presiding horticultural genius.
- Mr Dermot Roache, FCA — Accountant, financier, and keeper of the sacred ledger.
Both are pillars of the community, though one of the pillars leans slightly to the left.
Q5. How does one become a member?
Membership requires:
- A modest investment (or a hectare of idle ground);
- A willingness to use “seed money” in both senses;
- The ability to endure three hours of Constance’s lectures on photosynthesis without smoking the exhibits.
Application forms are available at the old creamery, the pub, or under the counter at Gombeeni’s shop.
Q6. Is THC licensed and legal?
Yes — fully licensed under the Department of Agriculture’s Industrial Hemp Regulations (2018) and partially tolerated by everyone else.
The EU is aware, the Gardaí are aware, and the clergy are, at this point, merely resigned.
Q7. When will the hempcrete factory be built?
As soon as the next tranche of EU funding arrives, or the Second Coming — whichever happens first.
In the meantime, locals are encouraged to practice patience by smoking small quantities of optimism.
Q8. What environmental benefits does hemp offer?
Hemp restores soil, sequesters carbon, and deters gobshites.
Each acre offsets roughly three motorised rosaries or one visiting developer.
The cooperative’s fields hum audibly with photosynthesis and faint laughter.
Q9. Is there a product suitable for human consumption?
Yes. The Ballymagaleen Strain produces edible seeds and culinary oil marketed as Saint Pierian’s Elixir — “good for heart, head, and homily.”
For those seeking enlightenment rather than omega-3, the answer is “consult your confessor.”
Q10. How does THC benefit the community?
Profits support:
- The roof of Saint Príomhsheans’ School for All Abilities and None,
- The Dooley’s Pub Music Bursary for Disoriented Poets,
- The Holy Well Preservation Fund,
- And the Giles na Magaleen Fellowship for Applied Heresy.
Employment opportunities are open to all, though the interview process may include a smell test.
Q11. Can I invest?
Indeed. Prospective investors may purchase Cooperative Units (“Green Notes”) directly from THC headquarters.
Dividends are payable in Euro, kind, or tincture.
All investments carry the usual agricultural risks: weather, weevils, and divine disapproval.
Q12. What happens if Brussels withdraws funding?
In that event, the Cooperative will revert to its ancestral model of subsistence agriculture, barter, and mild illegality.
Giles assures potential backers that “Ireland has always flourished best under prohibition.”
Q13. Where can I find more information?
The Hemp Cooperative (THC)
Old Creamery Road, Ballymagaleen Peninsula
Email: info@thc-ballymagaleen.ie
Open most days except feast days, market days, and mornings after feast days.
Motto:
“In folio veritas — In foliis felicitas.”
(In the leaf, truth; in the leaves, happiness.)
The Roaches
Constance Roache, D.Bot.
Constance Roache, D.Bot.
Constance Roache, D.Bot.
Founder and Presiding Genius of The Hemp Cooperative (THC) of Ballymagaleen
Born amid the cracked concrete sanctity of The Fatima Mansions, Dublin 8, Constance Roache grew up among brickwork and blasphemy, where horticulture was the only alternative to homicide. Her grandmother’s parlour became her first greenhouse: beneath salvaged sodium lamps, she cultivated the legendary Cannabis sativa var. crumlinensis, now recognised by some botanists — and by all connoisseurs — as the progenitor of her later masterpiece, Cannabis hibernica var. ballymagaleenensis Roach.
Educated at the Loreto Convent, Crumlin, she astonished the nuns by distinguishing herself equally in Scripture and Chemistry. A scholarship to Trinity College Dublin followed, where she read Botany and devoted her final year to the study of plant phototropism under conditions of ethical ambiguity. Her postgraduate research in the Netherlands, at Leiden and later in less academic surroundings near Haarlem, focused on developing cold- and wet-climate strains of cannabis suited to Ireland’s meteorological penitence.
Returning to her native soil, she founded the Hemp Cooperative (THC) of Ballymagaleen, an enterprise licensed to grow hemp for industrial use, particularly the long-delayed hempcrete factory promised by Brussels and awaited like the Second Coming. Meanwhile, the Ballymagaleen Strain — Cannabis hibernica var. ballymagaleenensis Roach. subsp. pierianii (Magaleen ex Giles) comb. nov. — has naturalised across the peninsula. It is said to provide equal nourishment to sheep, poets, and local clergy.
Giles observes that “she is the first woman since Saint Brigid to combine miracle-working with market gardening,” though adds that “Brigid had less trouble with customs.”
Today, Dr Roache presides over THC from her laboratory in the converted creamery, surrounded by an air of sanctity and faintly of terpene. She lectures periodically on “Photosynthesis and Fiscal Responsibility,” but her true catechism remains the soil, the seed, and the shimmering leaf.
Dermot Roache, FCA
Constance Roache, D.Bot.
Constance Roache, D.Bot.
Accountant, Gentleman, and Financial Alchemist of Ballymagaleen
Dermot Roache hails from Dublin 4, that demi-paradise of manicured depravity. Educated at Clongowes Wood College, he emerged with an enduring suspicion of Jesuits and a gift for creative arithmetic. His subsequent studies in Accountancy at University College Dublin were distinguished by a thesis on “The Spiritual Benefits of Off-Balance-Sheet Financing.”
Having risen through several reputable firms (and one disreputable trust company in the Isle of Man), Dermot encountered Dr Constance Roache at a conference on Money Laundering and Sustainable Development held at the Shelbourne Hotel. Mutual fascination ensued: she admired his liquidity; he respected her yield. Their partnership — botanical and fiscal — was sealed over a working lunch at Bewley’s, and later in a field near Ballymagaleen.
As Chief Financial Officer of The Hemp Cooperative (THC), Dermot oversees the Cooperative’s complex funding arrangements, translating EU grant applications into a form acceptable both to Brussels and to conscience. Locals insist he can balance a budget on a beer mat and has reduced double-entry bookkeeping to a single suggestive wink.
In conversation, Dermot maintains that “cashflow and irrigation obey the same natural law: both must percolate freely.” He attends Mass irregularly, supports Leinster Rugby unfashionably, and describes his marriage to Constance as “the merger of chlorophyll and capital.”