St Dymphna’s Academy for the Wayward Daughters of the Gentry

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Founded by the Gravin Krystal van den Onbemiddeld, Mistress of Foxhounds and Benefactress of the Connacht Hairshirts, St Dymphna’s Academy is a state-supported refuge and finishing establishment dedicated to the rehabilitation and refinement of young ladies whose enthusiasm has exceeded their circumstances.

Here, amid the winds of Connemara and the faint odour of horse liniment, the Academy restores decorum, polish, and a working knowledge of fiscal independence.

Our motto: Satis Pulchrae ad Profitum — “Beautiful Enough to Break Even.”

We believe every young gentlewoman deserves a second chance — preferably at a higher hourly rate.
Our guiding saint, Dymphna, patroness of the disturbed and the difficult, reminds us that madness, like talent, is best channelled into performance and accountancy.

Education here is practical, spiritual, and faintly scandalous: a fusion of convent discipline, hotel management, and ancient courtesanship — all under the watchful eye of the Gravin.

Core Studies

• Etiquette for the Economically Reinstated
   
• Applied Theology of Appearance
   
• Multilingual Flirtation and Correspondence
   
• Personal Branding through Modesty
   
• Accounts, Auditing, and Alibis (Double-Entry Methods)
   

Optional Modules

• Advanced Riding (both equestrian and metaphorical)
   
• The History of Temptation from Eve to Eurovision
   
• Introduction to Cryptocurrencies and Clergy
   
• Confession as Performance Art
   

Practical placements are offered through the Connemara Hunt, the Norman Conquistador, and, on probationary basis, the Ballymagaleen Community Arts Centre.

 “Redeeming the Fallen through Deportment, Discretion, and Dutch Efficiency.”

• The Gravin Krystal van den Onbemiddeld — Proprietor, Headmistress, and Visionary.
  Wears velvet habitually and wields a riding crop as punctuation.
   
• Monsieur Pascal de Lait-Cru — Professor of Deportment and Dairy Economics.
  Believes posture is nine-tenths of morality.
   
• Sister Margherita del Toro — Chaplain and Mixologist.
  Former Carmelite with a gift for margaritas and moral parables.
   
• Dr Constance Roache — Visiting Botanist.
  Provides instruction in the cultivation of medicinal hemp and the subtler properties of nettle tea.
   

Hackettscastle, once the seat of the Feeney-O’Drumshanbos, now houses:

• The Hall of Reflection and Recovery (formerly the Billiard Room)
   
• The Chapel of St Dymphna, Restorer of Decency
   
• The Library of Forbidden Works (locked but well-thumbed)
   
• The Crypt Gymnasium
   
• The Fox and Ferret Bar (staffed by reformed pupils)
   

The estate’s Hydrotherapy Stables provide riding lessons, confessionals, and occasional exorcisms.

Applicants must be:

1. Of gentle birth or equivalent self-confidence.
    
2. In possession of a good hat and a faintly tarnished reputation.
    
3. Recommended by a magistrate, matron, or man of letters.
    

Interviews include conversational French, basic fencing, and a discreet silence regarding past employers.

Scholarships are available under the EU Programme for Rural Morality and Cross-Cultural Temptation Studies.

Morning prayers alternate with Pilates; evening devotions with cocktails.
Sundays are observed with a mounted procession of the Connacht Hairshirts, followed by meditation on the theme “Virtue is the New Vice.”

The resident chaplain, Rev Dr Christopher Hitchens, occasionally lectures on Original Sin and the Theatre.

Graduates have proceeded to distinguished positions in:

• International diplomacy
   
• Luxury hospitality
   
• Arts administration
   
• Political consultancy
   
• and, in one notable case, the Carmelite Order (Reformed).
   

Each alumna receives a Certificate of Reclamation embossed with the seal Saldo Est Omnia — “The Balance Is All.”

St Dymphna’s Academy remains an indispensable institution for the preservation of civilisation west of the Shannon — a place where charm is retrained, manners restored, and scandal given structure.

St Dymphna’s Academy
For those who have erred beautifully — and wish to continue doing so with education.